Life must go on...

So many wonderful things have happened in the Murray household over the past few months since my last post, and other things have really brought my reality to a spinning halt.  So, here goes the quick run down (followed by a lot of typing!):

PARKER STARTED KINDERGARTEN!!!!  

How handsome is that five year old little boy???

 Here he is lining up for his first day, with his teacher, Mrs. Gale.  We LOVE her!  

Ahnya is still FULL of giggles and smiles!  Growing everyday, and still just as sweet as ever!  

JAXON STARTED PRESCHOOL!!!  

How cute is that little 3 year old???  

I love you, too... little buddy!  We will miss you while you are at school!  

Daddy and Mommy got to go to school on the first day!  Jax loved having both of us there.

Daddy and Jaxon made "Handprint Kisses," so we won't miss each other quite so much! 

Jaxon loves his teacher, Mrs. McKellar, and we love her, too!  

And yes, Ahnya just keeps smiling!  

We started SOCCER!!!  Paul is the boyz coach, and both Jax and Parker are playing this year! Jax even scored his first goal!   

Parker scored 3 goals in one game!  

 We love having Daddy as our coach!  

The boyz have also been in swimming lessons, but I don't know why I don't have any pics of that... so instead you can just look at another picture of Ahnya... still just as cute as ever!  

IT SNOWED!!!  And the boyz couldn't wait to get outside and play in it!  

My little angels!  

And another little angel.... yes... still smiling!  

We harvested our garden!  Lots of HUGE potatoes!  :)  

We really enjoyed our garden this year, and we have Paul to thank for ALL of it!  

I decorated Paul's office!  It was totally white, and so not decorated... just like a man's room!  So, I made things a little better for my favorite Police Officer!   

And of course, we ALL LOVE our little Ahnya, and we snuggle her every change we get!  

One day we spent a long time playing with shaving cream all over the table... what a fun way to fill our days when Daddy was at work.

Ahnya got a new dress!  BEAUTIFUL!!!  

I LOVE my daughter!!!!  

And sometimes, we just hung out in our PJ's all day... and Serenity just hung out too!  

So that brings us to the middle of October, when our lives changed forever.....

On October 14th just around 8:30 pm, I got a phone call from Paul.  The boyz were asleep, and I was snuggling Ahnya in my bed, waiting for Paul to come home for his break.  I had Oreo cookies and milk waiting for us, our nightly ritual!  I answered the phone and could immediately tell something was wrong.  Paul said, "I'm okay.  I've been involved in a shooting, but I am okay.  I will call you when I can.  I love you."  Right then it hit me that my husband could have been seriously injured, or killed.  I hugged and kissed Ahnya, and ran into my boyz rooms, hugging and kissing them while they slept, whispering, "Your daddy is coming home tonight."  Every night in family prayer, our boyz pray that Daddy will come home safe.  That night's prayer just an hour before was no different.  We prayed that Daddy and his friends would be safe.  They were all blessed, and all the good guys were going home, back to their families.  

Officers began coming to my house to get Paul new clothes, to check on me, and one of the Officer's wives came over to my house for support.  At this point, I still did not fully understand what had happened.  I just knew that Idaho Falls, a place where I figured Paul would never be involved in a shooting, was not so sheltered anymore.  Three officer involved shootings in less than a year...and now my husband was one of them.  I just wanted to see Paul.  I just wanted to be in his arms, to see for myself that he was okay.  Paul was injured that night.  A minor injury to his knee.  He went to the hospital to be checked out.  I met him at the hospital, and as I walked down the hall to his room in the ER, and I saw the officers standing outside his door, I started crying, realizing that this could have been so much worse for so many people.  It was at this moment, as I hugged one of the other officers, that I truly met my second family.... Paul's "brothers and sisters in blue."  And then, I walked into Paul's room and saw that he was okay.  I saw him laying on the bed, smiling, giving me comfort.  I was supposed to be there for him, I was supposed to comfort him, and instead, as it has been every day since then, he was the one comforting me. Since everything is STILL under investigation to make sure that this was a justified shooting, all I can say is that Paul was involved, and he was one of the shooters.  For more information, that is not completely accurate, read THIS and THIS. I have watched the video at least 50 times, watching this whole thing play out, watching my husband in action, watching him protect others, putting his own life on the line, watching my Police Officer do what he has been trained to do... what he was born to do.  Something that I am not ready to fully grasp, but fully ready to support.  

Paul has been on administrative leave since the 14th of October and he goes back to work on November 2nd.  This Wednesday... only 3 more days, and I have to face that my husband is heading back out into danger, doing his job, doing something he LOVES and can't live without.  But where does that leave me?  Every time, for the past 7 years, that I heard sirens, I would get excited, thinking, "Is that Paul?  Where is he going?"  The boyz get so excited to see Paul leave for work with his lights on, and they love hearing his sirens.  Now sirens mean something totally different to me. Now I will wonder if everyone is okay.  Is Paul heading into another shooting?  Is he in danger?  I always tell Paul before he goes to work, as I kiss him goodbye, "I love you.  Come back soon, and be safe."  Those words have never been more true.... especially when I will be saying them again on November 2nd.

Of course, everyone tells me, "Just be thankful he is still alive."  Of course, I am VERY grateful he is still alive, and I am not upset about this shooting itself.  I have realized that it is the rest of my life that has changed.  I no longer have that stability of thinking nothing bad is going to happen here, or to Paul.  The danger of his job is now a reality.  I now have to prepare myself not for "if" this happens again, but "when."  I am grateful for all of Paul's training.  He is very smart, observant, and trained...but it only takes one bad guy, in one very unlucky moment.  Yes, this is reality.  

I went to lunch the other day with some very amazing women... 8 LEO (Law Enforcement Officer) wives.  Some of them had husbands who were involved in this shooting, or other shootings, or were injured on the job, or had life threatening illnesses.  No one is exempt from trials, or pain, or suffering, or worry, or despair, and it was so nice to share my thoughts with these women and have them totally understand my feelings, and share many of their own. They know how scary it is to send your husband out everyday, to protect others, at the expense of their own lives.  They gave me so much support and love in 2 hours.  Thank you.  

And now, I am struggling with how life has to move on.  I have to continue to be a wife and a mother.  I have to send my kids to school, and trust them in someone else's care.  I have to keep a smile on my face and head  to the store, the church, to teach piano... all the while with the constant thought that life could be taken from anyone at any second.  I hate laying Ahnya down at night, and some nights I hold her most of the night, in fear that she might be taken from me.  There is always the "what if?" game, and that is a game that I play over and over.  I know I need to get over all of this, but how?  I am hoping that as life continues to move on, and with the help of counseling, and as I send Paul out the door in 3 days, and see that he comes back home (which he will) that life will be a bit easier.  

Going through a situation like this really puts things in perspective.  There are so many things that we go through each day, so many things that seem SO important, that really just don't matter!  In these past few weeks, we have learned just how important our little family of five is.  We have played more, laughed more, cried more, enjoyed each other more, spent less time cleaning and worrying about the house (that would be me!) and more time just being together as a family.  We have loved having Paul home for over 2 weeks!  I love that man.  Marriage is tough... we all know that.  Kids are hard... we know that too!  But to me, nothing would be harder than losing someone that I love.  For those of you who have, I am sorry.  I can't even imagine your grief and pain.  I have realized that I would take that struggles and trials that come into my marriage a million times over again, as long as Paul is the one who I get to have these struggles with.  I love him.  I don't ever want to be without him.  We have become closer as a family, closer as a husband and wife, and closer as best friends.  I have shared so many thoughts, feelings, and concerns with him, and he has been such a support.  This man is my rock.   

     

I have another rock.  My Savior.  I have prayed more, read and studied more, spent more time thinking and pondering, and more time loving my Savior in these past 2 weeks as well.  I am so grateful for His sacrifice.  I am so grateful for His atonement.  I know He has felt so much more than I ever will, and I know He understands completely. I know Our Savior lives and loves each one of us.  As Parker was singing in the Primary Program last Sunday, and as he sang, "Families Can Be Together Forever," I felt the Spirit so strong.  I KNOW we will be together forever.  Our little family is so important, and plays such a big role in this life and in the eternities.  So, even though I am struggling at this point, I know "this too shall pass" and my Savior is always there for me.  I know there are many people who read my blog who are not members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I want to let you know how much Jesus Christ loves you, too.  He knows who you are.  He is mindful of you.  And, your family can be TOGETHER FOREVER too.  Life is hard, but we are not meant to handle it alone.  At this time in my life, I am very grateful to know and understand THIS.  

So, things are hard for me right now, and I am struggling with trying to regain stability in my life, and I really am dreading November 2nd.  But, there is nothing I can do.  It is what it is.  I am so thankful to our family and to our many friends who have offered their support and love.  I am grateful to Paul's "brothers and sisters in blue" who have called dozens of time, who have stopped by, brought food, offered support, given hugs, gift certificates, and love.  Your support means so much.  

So for now, I take one day at a time. I cry a lot, I think about how precious life is, and I wait.  I wait for November 2nd.  I will always continue to kiss and hug Paul goodbye.  I will get up to make his breakfast, hug and kiss him goodbye when he goes to day shift.  I will be awake when he gets home in the middle of the night after cover shift, to welcome him home and hug and kiss him again.   I will be here as a listening ear as he tells me about his day.  About the crazy drunk guy he arrested, the woman he gave a ticket to, or the child who he saved from another day of abuse.  I will listen and cry with him as he talks about the hard things he deals with in his job.  The children he must see taken from this life, the unattended deaths, the suicides, the car accidents.  I will hug him as he lets his guard down and can finally relax as he walks into our home. And through all of this, as we continue on and go through each day, I will continue to pray for him.  I will pray for his safety, and I will pray for every other Officer and their safety.  I will pray for their spouses, who, like me, are at home waiting for their husband or wife to return each night.  This is my new reality.  

I am proud of my Law Enforcement Officer!  I love him and am very proud of the man he is and the decisions he makes.  So, I anxiously await for November 2nd, to know that I can send him off to work and have him return home each night.  And, as hard as it is, I know that life MUST go on...and I am grateful that it will.  

P.S.  For a WONDERFUL read about how an LEO's wife really feels, and what we deal with, read THIS!  

I LOVED IT!!!!  IT IS SO TRUE! :)